Fun and torturous times

This summer is going by so fast! Maybe because of the anticipation of new beginnings in September... and because we're just 3 days away from the end of July, for crying out loud. That's it, the countdown to setting the Christmas tree has started.

My athletic endeavors have been rather uneventful lately, which is probably a good thing. If you remember my plans stated here last week, I managed to keep myself accountable for at least the triathlon related workouts. On Thursday I went to the lake for our weekly OWS and spent most of the time with two new members, helping them to become more comfortable in deep water. This left me with just enough time to do a 750m loop on my own, and it was a good way to clear my head at the end of a stressful day. To add more endorphins to the mix, I also followed the swim with a 6km run around the lake. Judging by the tightness in my knees, it is probably the max distance that I can run right now and I can't really complain. I'll take anything over 30 minutes as a good enough challenge for my wobbly joints.

Friday was another scorching day and Taekwondo did not happen. Neither did the Saturday black belt training as I chose to spend some time with my family instead. I did make it to the little party that our school put for our team representing Canada at the ITF World Championships in London, UK. It was pretty sweet and I hope our team is going to bring some shiny hardware back this week.

His and hers

The next day I had to wake up early for our club's second triathlon simulation day of the year. And 5:30am is damn early for a Sunday. Oh the things we do for our members... After marking the course, Zin and I went over to Professor's Lake to set up the transition racks, the tent and the whole shebang with the rest of the crew. Of course, I also had to set up my own transition spot. I was going to "race" after all.

You can tell how hot it's been this year by the color of the grass.

Aww, isn't he a sweet hubby? Thank you hon.

All set! Isn't Trinity pretty with her red tyres?

I got in the water shortly after 8am and swam 2 loops trying to stay close to Mellen who seemed to have a few difficulties swimming straight, which gave me a little advantage on the distance and made me feel like a champion mermaid. That's what happens when you get only 3h of sleep, eh Mellen? However she swam another loop and biked some 100km afterwards, so I'm just pretending to compete here, haha.

Then it was time to bike. I was supposed to lead the beginners' group, but I only had one taker, so I rode with an older gentleman called Dave who was just about the perfect match for a 40km relaxed ride. He was also quite chatty, so I had a good time. Until I found out that we had an acquaintance in common who died 2 years ago, that is. Unbelievable. A person who I considered the epitome of success in life, who had everything going for him: fame, fortune, a beautiful family, and the most amazing house, where I used to go party with the company I worked for when I first came to Canada. He was one of the kindest and most knowledgeable people I knew, and a genius in the field of mathematics. And cancer took all this away. Yet another reason to say: Fuck cancer.

Oof, that was heavy. Back to our cancer fighting activities (one can hope, right?). Last on the day's menu, the run. Dave and I went running together as well, and thankfully we managed to change subjects in time to appreciate our surroundings. A loop around Professor's Lake and everything was right with the world again. While on the run I was, of course, pokemoning, and trying to make an omelette with a few eggs in my Pokedex. One of them refused to hatch when the time was up, so I continued running in (little) circles until it did, which brought my total to 4.7km run. You gotta do what you gotta do (aka I'm that cuckoo. Some call it stupid too, and I'm totally fine with it - you should see the number of Instagram and twitter users that I lost since I started talking Pokemon Go).

Doesn't it look like fun?

Alright, once that was done I could finally call it a day. We dismantled the transition zone, packed everything and went back home. I had to meet with hubbs later on to pick up his bike because he was doing a "mega" training day (3km swim, 140km bike, 30km run) and he was afraid to leave it in his car in the middle of the Caledon trailway. I spent the rest of the day waiting (and worrying) for him that he was going to melt under the hot sun. I am glad that he didn't, but he came back home 10lb lighter (not a joke).

This week I took a rest day on Monday, not only because there are no Taekwondo classes for two weeks, but also because I was going to start a new Trainer Road bike program the next day in preparation for Barrelman swim/bike where I will be defending my AG win from last year. So on Tuesday, after much procrastinating, I opened my laptop, clipped on my (power) pedals and started the 1h torture (Strava 8 min FTP test here). Zin set the workout for me at 85% down from my previous FTP, where I used virtual power thanks to my speed/cadence sensor and the trainer data. This time, the truth was going to come out, whether I wanted it or not. As I said from the beginning, I was pretty sure that I lost 30 virtual watts between the previous FTP and this one, and I was bang on the money.

Overall I am rather happy how I paced this test and proud that I pushed through when the tough got tougher. One can only look at my max HR during these intervals to feel my pain.

I was surprised to see that the test did not destroy me as I had feared. The next day I even went for another 6km run and I survived it just fine. Tomorrow I took another day off from work and I plan on going on another bike ride with Mellen, then Kingston triathlon race on Sunday! I will be doing the (longer) sprint, while Zin will be doing the long course tri. An exciting week for sure!

If you are in Canada, do you have any plans for the long weekend? For me, any long weekend is good enough reason to be giddy! Have fun, kids!

IT hurts

Every time I come out of a crisis, I feel completely lost about how and what to write here. Should I talk about it, should I just brush over the subject, or completely ignore it? IT. The monster living inside my head that takes over my thoughts and chews my brain, inch by inch until it feels about to explode. It's hard to explain if you've never been inside my brain. It hurts, a lot. It hurts my head, it hurts my body, it's rather unbearable the way I feel trapped inside a very tiny room with white walls. I can only make one step in each direction before I start to panic, over ventilating, heart beating out of my chest, in full panic mode. There is no way out, the pressure on my chest, the claustrophobic feeling triggered by the overwhelming amount of thoughts that keep bouncing inside my head. Many times I think there is no way out. It's just a matter of when I am going to lose the fight.

I start folding the laundry. It keeps my hands busy. It keeps me in a state of usefulness. The 3 baskets of clothes have been waiting for me for 2 weeks, but I ignored them. With more clothes added to the pile, the less adequate I feel for the task at hand. I manage to put away 1 basket and a half. But one hour from now, another one will take its place. It always feels like a sisyphean task. And predictably enough, I start crying again. Two hours of crying is quite a workout. Some days, it's all I can do for my family as I leave most of my energy at the office. I live in a constant state of mental drain. If it makes sense, I dream of a brain battery that I can recharge on the spot, like a robot.

Physically, there is a long way to being active to the point where I don't hate myself. I usually feel active enough to work out, but looking in the mirror is always hard. I miss the days when I had the energy to move mountains and I was not broken both mentally and physically. The month so far has been like a long walk through a swamp. Not only I did a lot of physio workouts, but those didn't get me outside of the house enough. This week I tried putting a little spin on my workdays so to speak, by biking to work and back. I've always been fearful of the drivers in my city, they are rather... intense. I made it 2 days back and forth and I didn't die. Now that was surprising. Each ride took just a little under 30min, and overall I enjoyed them. Which means that for the first time in a long time, I biked 3 times this week. And I smiled every single time.

It gives me hope to see these smiles. If I can be outside, if I can focus on things that bring me joy, I feel safe. I may be the least safe on the road, dodging cars and potholes, but being alone with my thoughts is certainly more dangerous.

I also had company this weekend. My friend Carol spent 2 days at my place with her boyfriend. She is training for the mighty Ironman Muskoka and she went on her longest ride ever yesterday with my hubbs and 2 other friends of ours. I couldn't go because I'm not fit to ride over 100km and I already go against my doctor's orders every weekend with the rides that I lead for my tri club. This picture that we took just after a long and gorgeous descent today, reminded me of our best times on the road, training for our first 70.3, two years ago.

In two weeks from now we'll be returning to Muskoka for a training weekend with the club, but once again I won't be allowed to ride long. I'll have to find a lot of mental tricks to stay present. Ideas are welcome... At least my boys will be with me and maybe they will be willing to spend some quality time with their mom instead of staring into their phones.

This post is bouncing all over the place and I'm not sure where to go from here. So maybe I'll just talk about today. It was our club's first race simulation day event, where we swam, biked and ran, just like in a race. We even had transition racks hand made by Zin.

With 16 people in attendance, it sure was a very successful event. We swam in circles for a while, simulating open water swimming, and that was a lot of fun.

Then we went on the bike ride and I chose to lead the 40km group. Other people, more speedy than me chose to go on their own, others did the 55km loop or the 20km one. To each their goals. I have no goals other than staying outside of the dark corners of  my brain.

I found the same uphills and downhills that I've been enjoying in the past few years, but traveling across these roads is always a new adventure. You never know what your legs are capable of. Today, it took mine more than 20km to go from wet noodles to pistons. I made it back with a big grin on my face, then I finished with a run. My longest run this year, 5km, wow. It took me 34min, between walking up the hills, taking pictures of other runners in the group and stopping to smell the lilacs.

My knees started to hurt at 4km, but I ran/walked the last km and made it back in transition where I scarfed down a few pieces of watermelon because it was the best ever. Then I went home, ordered food for lunch and collapsed in the couch with a beer. I am hoping that it refueled me enough to reach the end of another week without banging my head against (invisible) walls.

And since this is a long weekend, tomorrow I'll be riding with friends again, but this time from Burlington. I love me a slice of Escarpement, but I may not be able to keep up with Emma, who just finished the 8 Days in California Trainer Road Challenge. Read all about it here. She has become a beast on the bike... but maybe, just maybe she will be tired enough so we can chat in between hills.

What else? I don't feel like going into too many details of the last weeks worth of workouts. I reached 7h of workouts/week, with the help of bike commutes and picking the garbage on the side of the road at the semi-annual Adopt-a-Road club event. The physio focus is still there, but not as intense. I forget to stretch throughout the day, but I foam roll more often than before. I have made great progress in strength and agility and the physiotherapist seems rather happy with me, but I haven't seen a major difference in my knee pain just yet. Trying to stay patient. And remember to stretch. If you feel inclined to see how I filled in my weeks, here's a Training Peaks snapshot.

As for the state of my mind, one day at a time... it's all I can do. I know that most of you, for not knowing my past, assume that I am still dealing with the Ironman blues, or that I got depressed for not being able to run, or because I am not losing weight, or some other vain trait. Before I end this post, I wanted to tell you that this isn't the case. Why do I feel the need to justify myself? Because of articles like these which are hard to avoid nowadays. You see a lot of smiles on this blog, but I have plenty of pictures crying as well. The smiling pictures help me go back to those moments of joy. The sad ones have their purpose too, but I don't feel like bringing other people down with publishing them. I have been depressed for over a decade. Running and exercise just helps me cope with it. For the rest, there is no magic wand or snapping out of it. IT just is.

IMMT Training Weeks 17 and 18: Everything is possible

I remember the last time that I said that I had 2 brutal weeks. It was just one month ago. I could probably say the same about the last two, but the difference is that they didn't feel so brutal anymore, despite the workout volume going up significantly. It must be due to the "easy" week that I had before, most likely it recharged my batteries well. I cannot guarantee that I will feel the same in 2 weeks, but I am enjoying riding this wave for now. Here are my last 2 weeks at a glance.

Truth to be told, they were filled with enough excitement and that made a big difference in how I approached them.

Swim

I had all kinds of swims on the schedule. Starting with my longest swim to date (3300m), to masters swim with the tri club, to time trial in the pool, to simulation swim, to swims that could have been... but ended in a bare minimum.

Simulation swim to start the day

For my longest swim, I did this on a Tuesday morning when I was feeling motivated:

300 swim 20 sri
2x200 kick with fins :30 sri
4x100 @ 2:30
2x500 pull 30 sri
3x100 @ 2:20
2x400 pull 30 sri
100 cool down

However, two days later with the tri group, it was more intense (a lot more!) because that's how we roll.

400m done as : 200m swim, 100m drills (50m SAD, 50m 6-3-6), 100m swim
4x100m kick with fins (50m front kick, 50m dolphin kick on the back)
300m pull + paddles negative split
100m alt stroke
14x50m ([1 ez + 1 fast], [1ez + 2 fast], [1ez + 3 fast], [1ez + 4 fast]) all fast ones with 5 sri, all ez ones on 1:20
150m ez swim

All this work must have helped because on Thursday of this week, I had my second time trial in the pool since I swim with these folks and I was really happy to see some progress compared to year before.

May 23, 2013: 750m in 18:37 (2:28min/100m)
May 22, 2014: 800m in 17:45 (2:13min/100m)

So basically, I am swimming 15sec/100m faster than last year. I am still in the slow lane, but I'm getting faster!! Not sure how and if this translates in open water, but I'll take it!

Bike

I LOVE MY BIKE! That is all.

Ok, ok... I'll let you in this love affair while we're still in the honeymoon phase.

On Mondays I had "recovery" 2h bike rides. I went outside, on my own and didn't die. I even enjoyed them, despite the hills and and wind. Recovery, sorta. I beat my PR on Strava with the fastest bike split on one of my most frequented segments. Could I be getting faster on the bike too? Maybe, maybe not.

Because now I haz racewheelz.

And these are my best times on this stretch of the road, windy conditions or not.

Verdict? It was windy, alright, but so were all these rides below in the 34-35kph range. I went over 40kph this time. These wheels work. They do, it's magic. And they "only" cost $800 (compared to $2500 for Zipp), shared between my hubby and I  and they are made custom in Canada. Good investment me thinks! Thank you 3Sixty5 Cycling!

Armed with this new kind of fast, I did most of my rides outside. I can't stop this feeling!! I'm such an adrenalin junkie... 2h here, 3h there... and I ended doing 5h this Saturday and biked over 132km in one setting. I even woke up at 5am and was on the road by 6:30, like a good and dedicated Ironman in training (thanks to Michelle Simmons for the reality check). After all these hours I had no pain, no chaffing, no crotch numbness and no muscle soreness. I could have done a century or more. I felt so amazing afterwards, I am still pinching myself to make sure I still have nerve endings. Maybe I don't know what's going to hit me, but anyway... let's not go tempting the devil now.
Here's me going all around and up and down Caledon, literally.

Caledon is hilly, alright.

My shadow and I, the only souls on the road

Farms, farms everywhere.

This one is super!

No man's land, cyclists' heaven

The houses here have tree fences

All rides are better with friends! 3h with the tri group

Run

Good news is that my ankle has not hurt since I went to see my massage therapist. He's also magic. The runs off the bike are becoming more the norm, and we started hill repeats and speed workouts on the track.

The most memorable run was two weeks ago on the track and I had to shorten it because I got caught by a thunderstorm of epic proportions. It all started innocently enough with a few drops...

 Then it got more menacing and quite interesting for photos...

But then I took this panorama and realized that I was about to get swallowed by a monster and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it back home in time...

The sky was changing above me while I was watching and taking pictures mesmerized, stopped in the middle of my 4th speed interval.

And then it started pouring. HARD. I took shelter under the wooden stairs of a portable building, hoping it would be a quick one...

Yikes!! It's getting WET!

But then buckets of water started dumping all around me, including on my head, so I decided to find better shelter because mine was getting useless.

I ended running back home... another fast interval. Soaked to the bone, but glad I got it done, at least partially.

My face must have gotten stuck in that weird grin

Thankfully no other wet runs after this one - but they are fun sometimes!!

So much more fun than the treadmill, even though I chose the latter earlier this week for hill repeats. Yes, it was raining again, but I had to squeeze this run between work and masters swim and there was no time for hesitation. You gotta do what you gotta do: 4x3 min @ 6% incline with 15min cooldown and warmup in a stinky, stinky gym that makes my stomach turn.

But don't you worry, I got my revenge today at the Woodstock Duathlon (race report to follow) where I ran my shorts off and then some more!

It's the tale of my multi-sport debut this year with some tan sleeves as accessory... It will be worth the wait!

In a nutshell

So much happened lately, and my smile has returned. I realized that I have to keep trusting my training and nip the panic in the bud. There is no reason to believe that I am going to break any time soon. Life is good, the wheels keep turning, and I move along with them. There is a always a solution to problems, you just have to look for it hard enough. Most of the time, it's all in the smile and in your attitude towards life. Two words and a hashtag: #heartandcourage

Race simulation day

I knew this was going to happen, it appeared in my August schedule highlighted in yellow. I could only imagine what simulation meant... Other than doing all three sports in order, the lengths/durations were left to coach Dave's last minute decision. One thing for sure, I was going to start by swimming at the quarry at 7am, then take it from there. Our friend Carol joined us, as well as another dozen of brave souls who also decided to put their fate into the hands of the coaches, be it for fun or not. One thing for sure, there was going to be sweat (and no blood, fingers crossed).

We woke up at 5am, knowing that we needed at least one hour to get ourselves ready, including shower, breakfast and coffee. The drive to the quarry took about 25min and we found lots of people getting ready to put their fish on, most of them being members of the C3 triathlon club. It was their turf afterall, so I felt a bit like an intruder for a moment, but once in our wetsuits, it no longer mattered, we were all there for the love of the triathlon. The quarry loop is 1km long, so I decided to go the full 70.3 distance and some more. The water was very warm but quite rough in some spots, so I was glad to be done with it after 2 loops. 46min, not too bad, given how much I felt like going off course, over and over again.

Which means that maybe, just maybe, I could finish the Muskoka 70.3 swim in 45min or less. Wouldn't that be great?

Anyway, as great as that sounds, I still need to work on it. The pros do the FULL Ironman swim in the same time, but who am I to compare myself to them? Just wanted to point that out... I am a slow poke in the grand scheme of things, if you count them turbo engines in it, that is.

After the swim, I changed into my biking shorts and jersey and drove with hubbs and Carol to Inglewood, where coach Dave and Lorene had set up a true transition zone with a bike rack, food and drinks for us. Just like in a race, I took possession of my little piece of real estate, ate a banana, put in my pocket one of the 28k loop maps (I was planning on doing the loop 3 times), filled up my bottles, then at 9:15am sharp I started my ride with Carol and Tammy for company.

Right off the bat, I noticed that my bike gears were skipping. This wasn't new news, but I realized that I had not fiddled with my rear derailleur in almost a week (I know, I should not have to!), and it had probably gone out of alignment once again. Anyway, the train was in motion so to speak, and I told myself that it's not a big deal, it was happening at random anyway. Suck it up and don't sweat the small stuff. Alas with the wind and the constant change of pace, the skipping never stopped and by the second loop I was ready to throw my bike in a ditch and cry on the side of the road until someone would stop and give me a hug and an ice cream.

Winston Churchill, a mean combo of head wind and hills.

Are we there yet? Get this wind off my face!!

More Winston Churchill because I'm so slow, it hurts.

Carol and hubbs weren't having the greatest day either, the wind was truly testing their patience. To add irony to our misery, Carol and I also missed a turn on our first loop and ended on the 21k loop, which included a long stretch of shitty pavement and twice the distance facing the relentless head wind. The only reward of this course was the descent on Old Base road, which we got to do thrice in the day. Faster and faster each time. At each loop, I tamed my anger with adrenalin, it worked like a charm. I ended biking almost 78k in 3h07 and that was more than enough for both my legs and nerves.

When coach asked me how I was doing when I stopped to refuel in between loops, all I could say was "I hate my life and everyone in it". He replied, "one of these days, eh?". But by the end of the third loop, I had managed to empty myself of negativity and embrace the serenity now, most likely thanks to the top speed of 64.2kph in the last descent. Almost empty, actually, I still wanted that ice cream. I had another banana instead, then asked coach, "what now?". He said that I should do an 8k run, which was spot on what I was hoping for. It was 1pm by then and the sun was bright and mean. But I had asked for this, I had even paid for it.

Put on my running shoes, had some fluids, emptied my bladder, then off I went. The run was going to take me on the Caledon Trailway, for an out and back of 4km. I could not wait. I absolutely adore running there, it's so peaceful and there is SHADE (on some stretches, not all the time, unfortunately)!! Oh how I miss the shade... in my burbs there is none, unless you adventure yourself on one of the wooden trails, which isn't very convenient or safe for someone who easily freaks out. But here I had no fear, I knew I wasn't going to be alone and all critters were most likely having a nap.

Shade? Right on!!

Bridge? Uphill? Nooooooo!!

Almost time to turn around? Yeaaaahhhhh!

Because I was the last one to start the run, I saw Carol coming back after 1km, then hubbs just before the turnaround. I was finally having fun, yet I was looking forward to being done with it. Too much pressure knowing that I was the last one out there, I was feeling somewhat of an inconvenience to all those waiting for me. So I put on the turbo and ran even faster than the week before with an average of 5:34/km and without feeling my heart ready to explode.

And there you have it. A 4h40 monster workout and enough good and bad moments to mimic the stress of race day. The coaches put on a great simulation day, with well marked routes, a safe and well positioned transition area, water, Gatorade, technical and even moral support. We even had burgers, salad, watermelon, pineapple and cookies at the end.

Am I ready for the real thing? Hell yes I am! And someone better get me that ICE CREAM!!