Fighting with my brain, a summer cold and unexpected pains

Coming back from the race weekend, I wasn't feeling eager to go back to training at all. It doesn't help that work is draining me emotionally as well so by the evening I am a huge mess. Case in point, on Monday I went to my Taekwondo class and right off the bat my instructor asked me why I didn't come to the belt grading. Not giving me a chance to answer, I spent the rest of the class with tears in my eyes, as the negative thoughts took over. I was convinced that he thought I was a coward and knowing this wasn't true, I could not shake off the feeling of having been misunderstood. We went through all our patterns and I had a very hard time concentrating and I kept making mistakes. At the end of the class I burst in tears and I had to talk about it with the instructor. Of course, it was all in my head, as usual - but anxiety had reached its peak and I had to fight a panic attack and the shame of losing my shit in front of a bunch of kids. Not pretty.

In the following two days it went from bad to worse. On Tuesday I fell sick with a cold and my tooth ache came back. On Wednesday I started two more medications and the cocktail made me dizzy and nauseous. I also got my period and in my infinite wisdom, I decided to go back to Taekwondo. We started the class with conditioning (insert sprints, lunges, frog leaps etc), followed by a gazillion side piercing kicks. Let's say that I did my best, but by the end of the class I was surprised that I had not passed out.

On Thursday I went swimming with the tri club at Professor's Lake and fought the chop for 2 loops then called it a night. I didn't want to make my cold worse since Friday morning I was going to meet with a bunch of friends for a Canada Day bike ride. Since sleeping hadn't been that great the entire week, I was definitely feeling tired and the weekend had not even started. I was not looking forward to the 5:30am alarm clock, and as a matter of fact, I even procrastinated getting out of bed and ended being late.

I met with Emma, Sam, Kim and Ivanka in Burlington after a 40 minutes drive for which I was ill prepared. I had to find my helmet, shoes, gloves, bottles, shades and put everything in the car along with the bike. Thankfully Zin had inflated my tires. Alas there was no coffee and I ran out of time to pick one from Tim Hortons. Once again, I started the day in a state of panic.

To add insult to injury, 15 minutes within the group ride it started pouring. And it pretty much did not stop for most of the ride. We were soon soaked to the bone, but tried keeping the spirits high.

About 30km in the ride Sam got a flat and I wiped out in slo-mo because my shoe refused to unclip while trying to stop. With a bloody knee and achy wrist, I helped Sam change the tube because she was shivering so hard, poor cookie. I even inflated my first tube ever because I never got a flat myself in 5 years and this was my first application in the field. ;-) I don't remember how many f-bombs I let out during the operation, but I think I broke a personal record.

For the next 25km all I could think of was a hot Mocha at the Starbucks where we parked our cars and a warm change of clothes. I am glad to report that both were a success. All in all, despite the super soaker and bruised bum, it was a lot of fun.

The next morning, another early alarm going off, but this time for a swim with Sam at the quarry. She'd never come to Caledon for a swim there and I promised to go with her the weekend before. Summer cold and achy limbs don't care, the premise of a breakfast with this girl was a good enough reason to jump in the water at 7am. The air was cold, but the water was super warm, so the swim was rather awesome. I did two loops for a distance of 2.2km in just about 50 minutes, then drove down the road to the Red Onion where Zin joined us for brekkie.

I spent the rest of the day/weekend on the couch, nursing my stubborn cold and praying for my tooth ache to leave me in peace until Tuesday when I'll have the tooth extracted. The cat was the best and kept me company. I hope I didn't give him my cold, because we snuggled pretty long and hard.

What else is left to say? On Sunday evening I was really craving a run, so I went out for a 5km around the block in my Hokas. No knee pain, but geez - that felt hard! I tried running "easy" but the heart wouldn't have it any other way but in Z4-Z5. Oh well, I have to keep reminding myself how badly out of shape I am. And I'm still sick, which most likely plays a role as well. Let's see what the next week will bring. I think I'll need a lot of exercise to chase all demons away, if not I may just end up punching someone in the office and that's not going to end up well.

One week you're the hammer, another week you're the nail

Strange, strange days. Two weeks ago I was all about ramping back up my bike workouts and increasing my run frequency, but things just didn't turn out that way. I had a relatively good first training week, starting with Hot Yoga on Monday, then the 3 scheduled workouts as part of the Base Building Training Road program, which I pretty much aced, for once. See all details here if you are inclined to read wattage and heart rate and all that cool stuff.

The runs, however, just went downhill from there. The first one, on Wednesday was actually pretty good, I managed to run without pain for 27min non stop, a whooping 4km! I was hopeful to say the least. On Sunday, however, I only managed 2.5km, about 15min of running, until the knee pain came back. I decided to walk back home, but it was so damn cold that I called Zin to pick me up, then we drove straight to Tim Hortons for a tea. I took this picture just seconds before I jumped in the car.

Despite the sucky knee letdown, I was still in good spirits.

Last run was this week on Thursday, after spending most of the day crying and unable to deal with anxiety attacks. I had to come home at lunch time because I was not able to talk to people face to face without an emotional breakdown. At some point I even considered calling Zin to pick me up because I was afraid of driving by myself. I feel very vulnerable posting this picture but I know it helped me process my feelings, like looking from the outside in, if it can make sense. Seeing myself in distress makes my brain think more rationally and helps me detach from it (to each their own, I guess).

So anyway, I managed to keep my mind busy that day, working from home and arguing with people on the phone, which has become rather the norm lately. Then in the evening I went out for a run, but had to start walking again after 25min because of the same dreaded knee pain. These runs have become rather predictable.

And that's it. No other workouts. An insane amount of work made me too exhausted to move a single limb. On Tuesday, I made it home at 2am, completing my longest work day ever, 16h non stop. Part of me is telling myself that it's not worth to jeopardize my health for my career, but truth is, most days it bring me a lot of satisfaction for a job well done. After quite a few years of being treated like crap, my job is appreciated and I feel that I am making a difference. This too shall pass, right?

That day I also quit the nutrition program which I was following since January. While I completely agree with its teachings and I know that it works well for others, I could not get myself to remove enough sweets and treats from my diet, which would be the key to my weight loss. They are a coping mechanism and since I am not taking any medication for my depression and anxiety, I cannot afford removing them right now. Not losing any weight and seeing others being successful at it had also become an additional source of stress, so I preferred to detach myself from the other participants in the program and focus on what I can control.

In a move that can be seen as self-sabotaging, Zin and I went to Erin on Saturday to visit Holtom's Bakery where we bought a few sweets for the entire family and some amazing bread. I only had one butter tart and a scone, and I have been fighting with my will power since. But it was "good for the soul" after such a miserable week and I realize that we are healing ourselves with food, but we have no time for psychotherapy.

Then we went on a little drive on our favorite summer biking routes, and stopped by the Cheltenham Badlands for a quick dose of fresh air.

I see a few tentative smiles, so things are looking up!

Today was Around the Bay 30K race. I missed this race last year because I was training for the Ironman and my coach thought it would be a bad idea to put such a high mileage on my legs at that point in time. This year I had a bib for the 15K relay, but I had to give it up. Since I barely can run 4km, it would not have been very wise. But Zin was racing it and I could not miss the opportunity to see how the day would unfold for him, and for many of my Daily Mile friends.

2:12:50 later, Zin crossed the finish line spent, but he achieved his goal of getting a silver medal in the oldest race in North America, given to all men participants who finished between 2h and 2h15. Those who finished under 2h received a gold medal. Last year he missed it by 3 minutes, so it was a sweet victory to come in with more than 2min to spare.

I am so proud of him!! He continues to inspire me every single day with his perseverance and desire to better himself in his athletic endeavors, as well as trying to be the best hubby a woman could wish for. And I am also proud of the friendships that I made over the years thanks to running, and to Around the Bay. This race started it all, so it's only logical that it became my favorite. Thank you my friends, you know who you are!!

The Daily Struggle

The winter season is here and I am not even going to bother mentioning fall again since we got our first snow today. The last post should have plenty of fall in it anyway. So... winter. Winter blues, the seasonal affective disorder... or should we call it the off-season affective disorder? For me it's more of the latter, but what else is new? I always struggle in the off season. I struggle with my weight, my motivation, my goals. Now add very stressful work days to the mix and not being able to run and you get a big old pile of mess that gets stinkier every day.  Maybe I should compost myself since I cannot remain composed. Ha!

But let's see if I can put a positive spin on this post before it gets too late.

First, I have a somewhat structure of a plan going on, that I have to poop out of my head every week and it hurts my brain so much, you have no idea. I do strength training, some swimming, some biking, some walking combined with geocaching and soul searching, and when I'm desperate, some ellipticalling. Being self coached is definitely not working for me. Recently, I even thought of my training being somewhat alike to Cody Beals's experience:

Back in my self-coached days prior to this season, there was a cycle that repeated again and again: several days to weeks of impressive looking training followed by an unplanned collapse. These bouts of physical and mental fatigue would derail me for a few days, blowing gaping holes in my training before the cycle would begin anew. It wasn't a very enjoyable or productive way to train.

I had a few such collapses this season, but I think that I finally started to adapt a little. It's a long process, I know.

Cody's suggestion?

As we all settle in for a long winter of training, I encourage everyone to find a training plan that they can execute like clockwork.

No kidding. I know this is exactly what I need. But since my Goal #1 is to get stronger, and NOT triathlon training, how can I get off this spinning wheel that tells me that I MUST swim/bike/run for X number of hours a week so I can just FUNCTION? Nothing else motivates me. Nothing. Maybe the glimmer of hope that one day I can run again. That's it. If it weren't for my knees, I would have quit this program a thousand times already. Prior to this goal, it was simple : keep moving!! And I'm not the only one... Just as I was writing this post, I came across Jennifer's post from Kinetic Fix. I can't believe how many people around me are affected, and the SADness just started for crying out loud!!

Speaking of which, I had way too many crying spells which got me into trouble more than once. There is no easy way out. But for me, being outside, breathing the fresh air, even for an hour or two, makes everything 1000 times better. So given that I spend 9h/day stuck in a chair at the office, going outside for a walk or a hike, is a feat well worth mentioning in my training plan as BEST WORKOUT OF THE WEEK. I don't get to do it too often, but since I picked up geocaching again, I had a few more opportunities, like the Friday nights looking for tupperware in the woods with friends. Yes, at night. My kinda fun - preceded by a meet at Tim Hortons, warm tea in hand, talking about all geeky things. Jeez, these people even have me playing Ingress now, and there is some sort portal in the middle of my office where not many people have access. What am I getting myself into?? Then we go out for a few hours, and come back for another tea, maybe even a donut. Awesome times! Look, ma, I even found Ironman.

With the winter training programs that I am signed up with the FMCT tri club, I have now added swimming twice a week and spin classes twice a week, while I keep maintaining my focus on fitting 3 strength sessions in every week. I even started counting calories again, in the hope of losing those 10 pesky pounds that have put so much more stress on my knees this year. But overall, the feeling is the same: I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I just know that I MUST keep moving. My body, my mind tells me so. As soon as I give it too much rest, it starts squeaking like a rusty toy. Strength is the first priority, yes, but my mind's health comes before everything else.

Moving helps me discover all these places, which helps me feel alive, recharge my batteries and makes the world wonderful again. To many more days like these, even if it's 30 minutes at a time. Can I get an Amen?

Biking the Caledon Trailway

And seeing the sunset setting the trees on fire

Going across the Hwy10 overpass just one more time!

Is this a geocache? Yes it is!

And this is my trusty 20yr old hybrid bike Carrie

The day my beautiful Ginkgo tree lost all its leaves at once

The day I spent a few hours by the Bay

In the office, there are magic spots like this one.

The pool building in the blues of the morning

It's the prickly plants season

When the urban trails were still dry... soon to be covered in snow.

And have you seen the green at the end of this tunnel?

This free-for-all golf course sure knows how to stay green... just one more week.

Still with me? Glad I didn't lose you in the woods. See? I feel better already. Do you? Days come and go, and at the end of each of them, I try to take the positive and throw away the negative. The last few weeks have not been so great because a lot of the negativity started in the office and was staying with me all day long, but there is a silver lining to all this struggle, I know it. I started writing this blog post a few weeks ago and I thought of deleting it 12 times already, but this is how I exorcise my demons. I get it all out and I move on. Tomorrow is a new day. This week I am going to hit all my workouts again and thank my body once more for making me stronger each day.

It can only go up from here, yes it can. Salty ball, anyone? It's that season again.

And now we wait...

The Toronto Triathlon Festival is just 2 days away! And I've got the taper crazies pretty badly. It's not that I even stopped exercising like before Guelph Lake Tri earlier this year, but I have a few extra rest days, well needed by the way. So much needed that I have all the imaginary pains going from my right pinky toe to my left ear lobe across and up and down and sideways. Today I could not take it anymore and I booked a massage therapy session for after work tomorrow. I will also ask my therapist to make a fire and sing while dancing around me a few times counter clock wise for good juju. By the way, I just tried to stand up and noticed that my pain got 10 times worse in my quads, of course.

The past 7 days have been intense, no questions about that. I must have also eaten more, because somehow I woke up with 4 extra pounds which I decided to lose stat. All before Sunday. How? By thinking really really hard about 6 pack abs, cyclist thighs and tight butts, while drinking a beer and eating chicken wings and ice cream. If you really, really want it... well, wait for it, it will happen (said no one, ever). Yeah, I feel flabby and bloated and I'm not even PMSing, but some days I imagine that I'm pregnant. There's got to be a reason to this madness!!

And then there is the bike which is waiting for a flat or some other mechanical failure, like my derailleur flying out or the chain getting stuck between cogs. There is always a possibility, other than me crashing and breaking my neck and dying. All this, in my head, day in and day out. For some reason I haven't thought about drowning or getting eaten by a sea creature that somehow made it to Lake Ontario yet, but I'll be watching Sharknado tomorrow and that should take care of it.

The only way to make them taper crazies go away, is to look at these pictures and tell myself that I've got this (more or less...)! Hopefully, without a flu developing overnight, some super-extreme heat alert that melts the Gardiner or a tornado spout that spits me out of the canal. Oh I have a fertile imagination, you should be afraid.

Wheee, boobies!

Watching Zin swim is fun

Holy mother of quads!

He's going to kick serious butt

And... Back to boobies!

Yeah, well, distractions are good. Much better than this, right?

Photo by Joey Mole, Safety Harbour, FL

I think I'm going to drown my worries in a guacamole hat. Over and out!