Sunday, March 29, 2015

One week you're the hammer, another week you're the nail

Strange, strange days. Two weeks ago I was all about ramping back up my bike workouts and increasing my run frequency, but things just didn't turn out that way. I had a relatively good first training week, starting with Hot Yoga on Monday, then the 3 scheduled workouts as part of the Base Building Training Road program, which I pretty much aced, for once. See all details here if you are inclined to read wattage and heart rate and all that cool stuff.
The runs, however, just went downhill from there. The first one, on Wednesday was actually pretty good, I managed to run without pain for 27min non stop, a whooping 4km! I was hopeful to say the least. On Sunday, however, I only managed 2.5km, about 15min of running, until the knee pain came back. I decided to walk back home, but it was so damn cold that I called Zin to pick me up, then we drove straight to Tim Hortons for a tea. I took this picture just seconds before I jumped in the car.
Despite the sucky knee letdown, I was still in good spirits.

Last run was this week on Thursday, after spending most of the day crying and unable to deal with anxiety attacks. I had to come home at lunch time because I was not able to talk to people face to face without an emotional breakdown. At some point I even considered calling Zin to pick me up because I was afraid of driving by myself. I feel very vulnerable posting this picture but I know it helped me process my feelings, like looking from the outside in, if it can make sense. Seeing myself in distress makes my brain think more rationally and helps me detach from it (to each their own, I guess).
So anyway, I managed to keep my mind busy that day, working from home and arguing with people on the phone, which has become rather the norm lately. Then in the evening I went out for a run, but had to start walking again after 25min because of the same dreaded knee pain. These runs have become rather predictable.

And that's it. No other workouts. An insane amount of work made me too exhausted to move a single limb. On Tuesday, I made it home at 2am, completing my longest work day ever, 16h non stop. Part of me is telling myself that it's not worth to jeopardize my health for my career, but truth is, most days it bring me a lot of satisfaction for a job well done. After quite a few years of being treated like crap, my job is appreciated and I feel that I am making a difference. This too shall pass, right?

That day I also quit the nutrition program which I was following since January. While I completely agree with its teachings and I know that it works well for others, I could not get myself to remove enough sweets and treats from my diet, which would be the key to my weight loss. They are a coping mechanism and since I am not taking any medication for my depression and anxiety, I cannot afford removing them right now. Not losing any weight and seeing others being successful at it had also become an additional source of stress, so I preferred to detach myself from the other participants in the program and focus on what I can control.

In a move that can be seen as self-sabotaging, Zin and I went to Erin on Saturday to visit Holtom's Bakery where we bought a few sweets for the entire family and some amazing bread. I only had one butter tart and a scone, and I have been fighting with my will power since. But it was "good for the soul" after such a miserable week and I realize that we are healing ourselves with food, but we have no time for psychotherapy.
Then we went on a little drive on our favorite summer biking routes, and stopped by the Cheltenham Badlands for a quick dose of fresh air.
I see a few tentative smiles, so things are looking up!

Today was Around the Bay 30K race. I missed this race last year because I was training for the Ironman and my coach thought it would be a bad idea to put such a high mileage on my legs at that point in time. This year I had a bib for the 15K relay, but I had to give it up. Since I barely can run 4km, it would not have been very wise. But Zin was racing it and I could not miss the opportunity to see how the day would unfold for him, and for many of my Daily Mile friends.
2:12:50 later, Zin crossed the finish line spent, but he achieved his goal of getting a silver medal in the oldest race in North America, given to all men participants who finished between 2h and 2h15. Those who finished under 2h received a gold medal. Last year he missed it by 3 minutes, so it was a sweet victory to come in with more than 2min to spare.
I am so proud of him!! He continues to inspire me every single day with his perseverance and desire to better himself in his athletic endeavors, as well as trying to be the best hubby a woman could wish for. And I am also proud of the friendships that I made over the years thanks to running, and to Around the Bay. This race started it all, so it's only logical that it became my favorite. Thank you my friends, you know who you are!!

11 comments:

  1. Oh love! I had no idea you were down so much. I always see you as the sun! I'm so thankful for our friendship over time as well. I can't wait until the summer comes and we can train on the road again together. Until then, I'm here with an ear or a Timmies date if needed. <3

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    1. I know, Nicole... one thing I learn throughout the years is to try not to suck the life out of people. The summer cannot come enough!! And I'll always take you on that offer if I have the chance. <3

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  2. Lots of hugs to you, Irina! No one can know your struggles unless they've lived it, too. You have the same strength and perseverance as Zin! Just stay true to yourself. I'm sorry I missed you guys at the Bay! I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will be out on the road for next year's race.

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    1. Hugs back at ya! Thank you for being here.

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  3. You are a tough cookie! You power through and take things as they come. You have bad days but find a way to bounce back and that's so important and inspirational. Sorry to hear you had that bad day though that photo makes me want to hug you :) Keep on keeping on and never lose your spirit. I hope that you can find some relief from your leg/knee issues and be back out on the roads the way you want to be. I'm sure that will help. xo

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  4. All those smart ladies up there have said everything I was thinking, so I'll just say that I'm so happy to have met you & Zin. Your openness and honestly is one of the things I just love about you. Keep on keeping on :)

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  5. Ahhhh blogger ate my comment. One of these days I'll learn to copy and paste before I hit submit!

    The lovely ladies up there said all of what I'm thinking, so I'll just say that I'm so glad to have met you and Zin. Your openness and honesty is one of the things I love about you. Keep on keepin' on :)

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    1. Oh now it's there. Damn you blogger!

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  6. Huge hugs! I have no idea you were going through all this. :(

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  7. Ah, tough week. You know, I've had them too - but they do make the nice weeks even better! Hope your next few days are filled with happiness and - who knows? - painless runs!

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  8. Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful comments. They keep me going, and they always put a smile on my face, they really do.

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