Sunday, December 8, 2013

Letting go of guilt

It's been a week post injury and after spending all my free time asking myself the same question over and over again - "why?" - I think I am finally ready to move on and let more constructive thoughts occupy my brain. The "why" of the matter may just be impossible to answer. I talked to a few people, they all have their own theory - I have none. I've always thought that I knew myself so well, that I didn't see this coming - at all. For sure, I took my time to rest and the workouts that I did, they were no different in intensity than what I did over the summer. Maybe I overdid it at Yoga. Maybe I had too much fun bowling, or maybe doing single leg drills on the bike ad nauseatum was the last nail in the coffin, but if injuries were a science, we would know how to prevent them 100% of the time.

For some people, getting injured during the training cycle is like a badge of honor. "I took my body to the limit" - yeah, maybe, but I don't see who really enjoys being sidelined. Everyone I know got injured over the past 3 years, and maybe my turn came because I have been so damn lucky all this time. Either way, it's been hard not to think that I did this to myself (but of course I did! who am I kidding) and maybe that I should have listened to coach and not run the Hamilton Marathon. But I did listen to my body - and never, not once I had pain in my hip. Achy knees, sure, the whole year they kept reminding me that everything around them was tight: muscles, tendons, whatever. Was I always stretching, rolling, icing, massaging? Far from it. Just like Sam, my favorite healing method is to stare at my muscles and hope they repair themselves. No kidding, I must be champion at healing by telekinesis.

So anyway, here I am, torturing my brain, day in and day out, wondering, why am I my worst enemy and freaking out, of course, because "did I just break myself for good?". What about the IRONMAN?! If I break now, will I end up in a million pieces by the time August comes? Oh you have no idea what kind of thoughts circle inside my head at 300km/h. And they make me exhausted with guilt. A week and 3 physio therapy appointments later, the hip pain improved dramatically, I even went to the pool today and did a bit of aqua-jogging and swimming with my pull buoy. But some pain is still there, still reminding me of my "negligence". Another week of minimum walking, no running and no biking should do the trick, I can only hope. I have another PT appointment tomorrow and we shall take it from there... Will I be able to return to my favorite activities? I better be, or I'm going to LOSE IT.

Until then, guilt begone!! I am a runner, I am a triathlete, I am legit, dammit. I may not be training for the Olympics, but I'd rather be happy and deal with a little injury than bang my head against the inside a bubble wrap.


  1. You'll be back good as new soon enough. Let your body heal now in the off season so that you can be strong once training begins. I know how your kind can wander and you can internally freak out but it'll be ok. *hugs*

  2. Oh no, just reading about this now. Double injury is such a hard thing to deal with -- wish you the best in your recovery.

  3. I hope your injury is short lived and you can resume training with comfort/ease. Hang in there. All the best.

  4. Thank you everyone, your comments mean a lot to me. I am a being a big baby about this, I know... Everything will be fine, I hope. It all starts with the mind, and I'm working on it :-)

  5. Sorry for the double injury. I hope you heal soon. All the best from sunny Italy.