My lovely hubbs was there for me though - and he knows me better than anyone. He asked me how he can help, what he can do for me. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted him to hold me, to be with me. He encouraged me to go in my room and use the foam roller. He said that I should use it every day, which I never do. How many times I foam rolled since September? ONCE. Maybe this is ALL there is. To take care of my 40 yr old body because I no longer get a free pass at playing with endurance sports. He also suggested that I buy a new pair of shoes. Maybe there isn't enough padding in my K Swiss since put on 15lb. Maybe I should stop running on pavement and use the treadmill exclusively until the pain stops coming back to haunt me. Maybe I need a gait analysis and long term physio - but I am not made of money and I don't know who to trust.
Yesterday I went out for a walk. I really needed some fresh air. After 1km, the left knee cap started "rubbing". Against what? No clue... It felt like sandpaper against the bone. Maybe it's not tracking properly. Maybe I need an MRI of both knees and hips. All signs are here to tell me that my body hates me. Today I decided to skip the strength/spin workout because I am afraid. I am back to square one, not knowing what to do, where to go from here. I just wish I had a picture of my body from the inside that had all the answers laid out for me, crystal clear. I am so very tired of trying to find answers, and not having someone who isn't giving me any.
I haven't given up yet - as far as I know, I will do my best to have a "normal" year as a triathlete and runner - but boy, that looks frightening right now. I am not here to scare you away from this sport - I own my poor decisions of not getting a bike fit when I should have, not stretching, not warming up, not using the foam roller, not throwing away running shoes after 500km, not doing strength training, not eating well enough. I suppose it's a warning of sorts, that you have to take care of your body and be very careful what you wish for.
Tomorrow I will try running again. Padded shoes, treadmill, warmup and all. Maybe tomorrow it'll be pain free. Maybe all I need is faith and a bit of patience. The answer must be out there somewhere.