The Great Comeback Run that wasn't

Since September 13th, the day of my last run in 2014 I had been counting the days until I'd run again. I was told to wait until January to start again. I chose to be patient and not question the decision, even though I had my doubts that this was the right approach. My ITB issues were never an acute "injury", but a gradual change in my body - something that went astray over time. I did not wake up overnight with pain in my knees that's for sure. Something south of my waist is no longer working properly and nobody has been able to tell me exactly what it is. Without root cause, you cannot fix an issue for sure. You keep applying patch after patch, and hoping for a miracle. Assuming that I got to this point because of my poor bike fit, maybe I should have stopped biking altogether. Who the fuck knows. The entire year has been the same violent struggle as in Pink's video "Try". And I did try a lot of things: not running, water running, knee braces, physio, ART, massage therapy, acupuncture. All for nothing since they never brought me any long term relief or "cured" me.

So on January 1st I bundled up for sub zero temperatures, laced up my running shoes that had been sitting in my garage, still muddy from the last race of the season - and with so much hope and anticipation, I hit the road. Gently, carefully, slowly. One mile was all I wanted to run. Out to Tim Hortons and back. I walk there all the time. 11 minutes. Even coming back from other injuries, I never ran under 15 minutes. But 11 was going to be enough for that day, and it should not have hurt.

Yes, if it had been a running injury, THIS RUN SHOULD NOT HAVE HURT. But 1km in, the ITBs started to tighten up, niggle in the left knee appeared. I did not run enough for it to become painful, but it was there, just like I feared. NOTHING has changed since September despite the running interruption, nothing. I came back home, knees were hot as usual. I sat in the chair on the porch, head resting in my hands and at that moment I wanted to sell all my triathlon gear and QUIT everything. I was shaking inside. I was angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. I was DONE. I had a horrible day afterwards, full of tears and despair.

My lovely hubbs was there for me though - and he knows me better than anyone. He asked me how he can help, what he can do for me. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted him to hold me, to be with me. He encouraged me to go in my room and use the foam roller. He said that I should use it every day, which I never do. How many times I foam rolled since September? ONCE. Maybe this is ALL there is. To take care of my 40 yr old body because I no longer get a free pass at playing with endurance sports. He also suggested that I buy a new pair of shoes. Maybe there isn't enough padding in my K Swiss since put on 15lb. Maybe I should stop running on pavement and use the treadmill exclusively until the pain stops coming back to haunt me. Maybe I need a gait analysis and long term physio - but I am not made of money and I don't know who to trust.

Yesterday I went out for a walk. I really needed some fresh air. After 1km, the left knee cap started "rubbing". Against what? No clue... It felt like sandpaper against the bone. Maybe it's not tracking properly. Maybe I need an MRI of both knees and hips. All signs are here to tell me that my body hates me. Today I decided to skip the strength/spin workout because I am afraid. I am back to square one, not knowing what to do, where to go from here. I just wish I had a picture of my body from the inside that had all the answers laid out for me, crystal clear. I am so very tired of trying to find answers, and not having someone who isn't giving me any.

I haven't given up yet - as far as I know, I will do my best to have a "normal" year as a triathlete and runner - but boy, that looks frightening right now. I am not here to scare you away from this sport - I own my poor decisions of not getting a bike fit when I should have, not stretching, not warming up, not using the foam roller, not throwing away running shoes after 500km, not doing strength training, not eating well enough. I suppose it's a warning of sorts, that you have to take care of your body and be very careful what you wish for.

Tomorrow I will try running again. Padded shoes, treadmill, warmup and all. Maybe tomorrow it'll be pain free. Maybe all I need is faith and a bit of patience. The answer must be out there somewhere.