Friday, September 27, 2013

My painfully dysfunctional relationship with swimming

This is the time of the year when I get in the same funk of hating everything about swimming, and especially myself for being a cry baby and writing a blog post about it. But that's ok. It's all part of the process, to face these stupid thoughts of being a wimp and embracing comfort instead of THE SUCK.

Maybe there are people out there who thoroughly enjoy doing endless laps in the pool, but I am not one of them. I absolutely adore swimming in my wetsuit in open water (as long as I'm not attacked by birds, fish or weeds) and I find that getting into my"bubble of bliss" is the best, most relaxing feeling ever, alas only temporary. Once September comes, the bliss is gone and I return to being crammed into half a lane of heavily chlorinated water, not deeper than 3 feet, trying to navigate around hair balls and band-aids, and sometimes trying to find out whether that object at the bottom of the pool is really poop or an innocent piece of plastic.
Every year, the time comes for me to make a decision. Will I commit to a group swim class with the tri club, or do I retreat to my half lane of misery, convincing myself that's not worth it. Because group swimming hurts and not only it hurts my body, because it's so damn hard, but it hurts my ego and my motivation for going back. Besides, the pool times lie. Or they are not relevant. Whatever. If I can swim a kilometer in 20 minutes in the lake, I'll swim the same kilometer in 25min in the pool. 25% slower.  I don't do flip turns and I barely push off the wall, maybe that's what it would take to make those times equal, even though it makes no sense. There are no walls in the lake! And I keep on telling myself that it's all my fault. That I'm not a good enough swimmer because I'm not able to keep up and swim without a crutch, aka my pull buoy. I actually am able to swim without the pull buoy, for quite a long time, but it feels awkward and a constant battle for air, for moving forward, for staying afloat. I heard that may be normal, but I don't buy it.
Last winter I went swimming with the tri group for 6 months. By the end of it I threw my bands, flippers and my kickboard into a corner and said "fuck it!". I put on my pull buoy and stopped kicking and saw my times getting so much better, even in the pool, and I shook my head in utter frustration and disbelief. WHY? What would it take to match these times, to be consistent, and to enjoy swimming at the same time? What am I doing wrong and how can I FIX IT? It's killing me.

I am on the verge of making the decision NOT to go back to the group swim again. What for? Next year I will be doing my first Ironman. I know I can swim the 3.8km in 1h20, based on my open water times which have been very consistent and accurate when it comes to racing in the same conditions. I'm ok with being an average swimmer (most of the time anyway). I am not trying to win my age group and everyone knows that the swim rarely makes a difference over 140.6 miles, especially for age groupers. So, why would I put myself through 6 months of hell when my goal would be to maintain enough fitness in the pool to keep swimming this distance in 1h20? And who knows, maybe with enough repetition, the time will improve as well... I don't see how one could get slower when muscle memory is maintained.

Anyone reading this will most likely say - she has the wrong attitude, she's not competitive enough, she doesn't care about getting better, all she does is whine, whine, whine. Can't she just harden the fuck up already! I DO care about getting better, but I am not convinced that trying to keep up with a group makes me better. Because trying to keep up with them makes my form collapse and my best form is when I am in my happy place, devoid of peer pressure. And is it really a failure to trade discomfort for complacency? Is it worth putting so much pressure on myself, when I could concentrate on getting better at biking and running? I still have not made a final decision, but I'm afraid that putting myself through this kind of misery is going to kill my passion for this sport. And I only do it for my own enjoyment, not for breaking records, so anyway... My head is again a mess, trying to make a sense of all these thoughts bouncing around like ping pong balls.

It's all a matter of perspective... I know.

9 comments:

  1. I can actually read your decision in this post even if you can't. I don't think you have the wrong attitude at all. Why would you force yourself to do something you don't like, especially if it's now effective? Imagine if your kids came to you and said - I hate this running group. I hate the pressure and how it makes me feel. And no matter how many times I go my times don't get better but when I do it on my own, they do.

    Pretty sure you'd tell them to choose their own path and drop the group : )

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    1. I'm leaning towards this, Sharon. I may need a bit more time, but it'll take a very good argument to change my mind... we shall see. I appreciate your comment. ;-)

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  2. Could be worse, atleast you Can swim. I can not.

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    1. I am self-taught. Lots of YouTube videos and Swim Smooth ;-) Anything is possible! If you want it, you can do it! ;-)

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  3. You certainly wouldn't be the only triathlete to neglect the swim. I did four long open-water swims in June as my only swim prep. Doesn't bother me that I took 100 minutes during the Ironman . Quit worrying about it and do what you will enjoy. Even so, you might consider some one-on-one coaching to improve your kick. It sounds like you're doing it wrong if using your legs slows you down.

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    1. I swear, as soon as I start kicking it's like I'm putting the brakes on! I am trying to get some 1-1 swim coaching sessions in, but it's not easy when you get so many conflicting pieces of advice.
      It's so great that you got video footage of your Ironman experience, way to go!

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  4. Awww.. sorry to hear you hate the swim :( you're not alone; I too prefer swims by myself than in a group. You have to decide whether you want to maintain and improve slowly swimming alone or suffer the pain of team training but improve a lot at the end of the season (when I swam nationals, tears filled up my goggles on some mornings, it can be truly painful).

    Since you cannot chance the circumstances (you still have to train in a chlorinated pool, unless you have access a salt-water pool), perhaps you can try embracing that lovely smell? Perspective is everything; I absolutely LOVE the smell of chlorine, it reminds me of how fun the pool can be, its weightlessness, the freedom you don't get on any other place, it also reminds me of clean laundry :). You can try incorporating fun little exercises on your warm ups/cool downs such as pretending you're a dolphin, seeing how long you can hold your breath from one end to the other (it actually builds up your lungs), alternating strokes and kicks (you should be doing this already), swimming very close to the bottom of the pool, etc.... Even if it's only a few minutes of these actions, it makes the swim start and end on a positive note, and it takes off the pressure of "swimming being so tough". This sport is about having fun, right?

    By the way, whatever you see at the bottom of the pools, you might think it's really gross but in reality, it's only a piece of band-aid or hair tie floating around, clean on its majority by the vast amounts of chlorine added to the water. Much cleaner than a lake, where all kinds of animals poop, die, and even people throw garbage!

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    1. Great ideas, Marga! I wish I had such positive experiences with my swim. As with the poop, that was a real story. I once had to ask them to clean, the stuff was scattered all over the pool. I think I saw it again afterwards, but I didn't ask anymore because I wanted to get the damn swim done. I could care less about lakes, that's pretty ironic, I know. I think I'm pretty happy with maintaining and improving slowly... I am still a noob, I have lots to learn still.

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  5. My words may need to be taken with a grain (or two) of salt because I am one of those crazy people that love being in a pool bouncing between the walls. (Seriously. I do. I don't know why. Maybe it is the same part of me that loves running around in circles on a track. lol)

    The group swim can be a good challenge or a confidence buster. It all depends on how you approach it. One thing I have done is to stop comparing myself to others and find that person (who may change from workout to workout) that gives me the competitive push to try just a bit harder with each of the sets.

    But - if you find the group swim is getting you down, then take a break for a week. It isn't worth starting a bad spiral just to make it to all of the workouts. And if you need a good laugh - just watch my flip turns. About 1 of 3 I end up pushing myself straight towards the bottom of the pool and have to trash my way to the surface to gasp for air.

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