So I came back and before I could recollect all the happy thoughts, I was let go at work. "We are making changes in the company" they said, the dismissal was quicker than I could count to ten, and then I was left signing papers, then walked out with my most important items brought from my desk in a bin. Brutal. Dehumanizing. Disappointing, for someone who has done so much for the company. Not even a Thanks, that's what hurt the most. Disposable. Superfluous. But then I picked up my ego from the floor and went home, relieved. The End. The Beginning of Something New and Exciting awaits.
For a few days I was in constant turmoil, the 12 stages of rebuilding the confidence lost, from sadness, to anger, to "whatevah", to hope, to anxiety and eventually to calm and focus. I am now gathering the courage to go out there and face the questions, the tests, and all those strangers who I need to convince that I am worthy of a paycheque.
On Monday, a new routine was shaping up: wake up, have breakfast with the boys, send them to school, do the dishes, have a shower, tweak my resume for the millionth time, look for jobs on LinkedIn, update my profile, apply to jobs, check out Facebook and Twitter. I was cheering on my friends that had gone to run the Boston marathon and I was thankful for the live feed that allowed me keep in sync with the happy frenzy of it all.
And then the unthinkable happened. White smoke, cameras shaking, people being thrown to the ground by a powerful blast, the same images coming through all media and social networks and the fear creeping up our spine. How many more bombs? How many wounded or dead? Who? Why? Questions that have yet to find answers. I was in disbelief. Our running tribe attacked, lives shattered. All of a sudden, the news of my job loss seemed totally irreverent. I went numb again, a powerful headache took over my brain and lasted for 2 days. It hurt in ways I could not imagine, yet this feeling of belonging, drew me back in and I joined the movement, to #RunForBoston and to tell those motherfuckers that I am not afraid. Yesterday I wore my Around the Bay tshirt in Boston colors, the bright blue and yellow and went out for a long 15k run. I let the thoughts and feelings run free through a free mind. I will not stop. And one day, I will run Boston too. For all the lives lost, the little 8yr old Martin Richard, the volunteers, the first responders, the runners and their families and any marathon enthusiast, Bostonian or not, who needs someone to cheer on. My name is Irina, and I will run Boston (even though I have a long way to go and much sweat and tears to shed to get there).
Last but not least, you should read this excellent article by Ezra Klein: "If you are losing faith in human nature, go watch a marathon" - Kathryn Switzer